Making peace with your past...

[WildIrish]

is the theme of the book I'm currently reading. While struggling through it just last night, I was coming to grips with the fact that there are some pretty heavy topics that the author has you thinking about. A list of questions that they have you answer honestly, and with much thought. At the end, you'll have a good understanding of what you have to work with, and advice on where to go from there.

Questions like:

When's the last time you were afraid to be alone?
How did your parents respond to your actions as a child?
In what ways are you very much like your father...your mother?
Do you treat your children like your parents treated you?


Like I said, very deep digging topics. Things I have a hard time thinking about. And it was at that precise instant when I noticed that I, myself, was at that very moment...seeking to make peace with my past! :yikes:



















while moving my bowels. :rolleyes:

[IAKaraokeGirl]

When you figure out how to make peace with your past...send the book to me, please. :)

[BlondeCurlGirl]

Can I ask the title of this book? It sounds like an interesting read..

[osuche]

WI, I've been trying to do the same thing recently. I think it's a life-long process, but I've been starting in little ways...such as my post on Red's "love your body" thread.

There are a heck of a lot of people who have it worse than me ~ so I don't feel entitled to complain ~ but I didn't have an idyllic childhood. And that changes you...makes you less likely to trust, more guarded against risks, and sometimes clouds your judgement.

I've been trying to celebrate the positives. Those bad experiences don't go away...but they have made me who I am. Because of them, I know that I have the strength to get through almost anything. I have empathy for others ~ because I know how precious life really is...and because I also understand that bad things can happen to good people. I try to take the time to share a hug, some food, care, money...anything....with others ~ because I know those little things *do* matter, and because I know that timely help has restored my faith in mankind on several occasions.

The end result? Who knows. All I know is that I have to get through it, otherwise I'm going to end up raising kids as screwed up as I was. And I want them to find NEW ways to be screwed up. ;) :)

If you ever want to talk, WI....PM me. I'd love to hear about your progress.

[joys]

A very deep issue WildIrish.

I don't think the questions are related directly to your past, they are more related to your future and current state. Making peace with yourself (IMHO) should not involve parents or your actions as a child. IMHO, making peace with yourself should be about making peace with yourself NOW. Otherwise, it will just become a whirling pool.

for example:
When's the last time you were afraid to be alone?
Never
How did your parents respond to your actions as a child?
Understanding but demanding
In what ways are you very much like your father...your mother?
Stubborness yes but that is the reason you fight about. Like the story of 2 goats on the bridge.
Do you treat your children like your parents treated you?
NO
and i want to add another question to this:
WILL you treat your children like your parents treated you?
NO

Being in peace with your past must be a hard thing... Obviously we all have done things in the past that we still regret. I guess being in peace with yourself is a better solution. If you accept your fault in the things you regret (the past) you'll evidentally make peace with your past.

Good topic

[joys]

osuche,

I agree with you. But still, it is you who "celebrate the positives". It is your look to yourself NOW, not as the PAST

[FallenAngel5]

I am going to have to respectfully disagree with you, joys. While you make a valid point about looking to yourself in the now, who you are at this current moment is shaped by your past, be it positive or negative. Your childhood and your parents have had a great influence on who you are today, and if you are not accepting of what happened to you in the past, then there is no way you can come to terms with who you are now.

[WildIrish]

The general tone of the book appears to be "unload the excess baggage that you have picked up along the way". Things that happen in the past definately shape who you are and how you act. By examining your past, and the interactions that left their mark on you, you can then begin to look (as an adult) at them and determine whether or not you can safely pack them away and stop letting them influence your actions now. So everyone's right, in a sense.

I'll get the info on the book and pm those interested tomorrow...if I remember. ha ha

[joys]

I am going to have to respectfully disagree with you, joys. While you make a valid point about looking to yourself in the now, who you are at this current moment is shaped by your past, be it positive or negative. Your childhood and your parents have had a great influence on who you are today, and if you are not accepting of what happened to you in the past, then there is no way you can come to terms with who you are now.

Thanks to WildIrish who has brought up a rather "different" subject to us all.

FallenAngel5: I have to disagree with you too. You say "who you are at this current moment is shaped by your past, be it positive or negative".
This has been proved to be untrue. There are many examinations with twins also.

you say "Your childhood and your parents have had a great influence on who you are today," I have no objection to that but it does not mean I liked it.

Of course they had.
Now I am 38 years old and belive that my boy of 5 should grow on his own perception, only with a little bit of help of us

[joys]

I'd like to read as well. so if you could give us just the name and writer??

[Oldfart]

WI,

Fighting the demons of your past is often an attempt to re-invent your present.

Everything good or bad which has led to you as you are now may need to be understood

if it is a source of anguish or resentment, but nothing you can do will change them

or alter their effect on you.

Perhaps the peace you seek is an acceptance of the past and an understanding of why

you do some things the way you do.

Afraid to be alone? Never, though I enjoy company.

How did your parents respond? Often physically, always swiftly.

In what ways like? I am their reflection viewed through the screen of my experiences.

Do you treat your children the same? No I was worse.

The shits? What did I do with that prune juice. . . . .?

[WildIrish]

You touched upon some very good points OF. I wouldn't consider items in my past, demons. Some might, I don't know. I don't really think I'm looking for an understanding of why I do things I do either. I'm from Mars...I'm not meant to be understood. ha ha

For a brief background...In comparison to others, I haven't come from a hard upbringing. My parents were and are still married and seem to love each other. We moved around a lot, because of my father's military career, so it was difficult establishing connections, but it broadened my exposure to cultures very different to mine. I was able to travel the world, but didn't eat my first McDonalds food until I was 12. I was also part of a very domineering household. My father ruled with an iron fist while my mother was the dutiful & submissive wife. His family was but an extension of his job. There were, and still are, very painful memories. I picked up this book because I was afraid of repeating history with my children. So far, I'm still trying to figure out if my father was an asshole, or if he was a confused and inexperienced parent trying to learn as he went along. If he was an asshole...I should be ok (assuming I'm not), but if he wasn't...well, I'm learning as I go along too, and could be prone to create the same painful memories in my children.

One warning about the book...it's very spiritual. I am a Christian, and a cradle Catholic but I don't think this book holds it's value in promoting religion. This book is but a tool to make one think about themselves. And that's a good thing, right?

Making Peace With Your Past
by H. Norman Wright

[osuche]

You know, sometimes it's the little things that are the most painful. I think every child was scarred by their parents, and I suspect I'm gonna fuck my kids up too. I think the best we can do is try to be cognisant of how much damage we can do. The first step is thinking about your emotional reactions, and try to modulate them.

A great example.....When I was 6, I went grocery shopping with my father. He had very little money -- and I knew this -- but as we went through the checkout line, I begged for a piece of candy (which was probably the equivalent of 30c US today). He told me no patiently the first time. I asked again, and he shouted at me that he didn't have enough money to pay for the candy and that I should stop being greedy.

And....while I understand the frustrations of having no cash and the stress he was under....every time I go to buy something extravagant there is his voice in the back of my head telling me that I am greedy. And perhaps I am. :)

Did something so insignificant change my life view? Yes. Will I think before I'd say something like this to my kids? Hell yeah. Was he a bad parent? Not in this instance.

So...Yes, the big and little things in our childhood change our life view. Everyone's got them, and (IMHO) the people who are the best parents try to overcome them.

Of course, I don't have kids so I'm not an expert. :D :D :D

[WildIrish]

Of course, I don't have kids so I'm not an expert. :D :D :D

Ironic part is...it's when you do have kids that you find out you're not an expert. ha ha

[skyler_m]

Making peace with my past. To be honest, there really isn't much that I need to make peace with. In terms of the relationship with my parents, they were loving and caring, taught me how to think for myself (and how to handle the consequences), the true value of a dollar, and that honest work is the best way to do it.

In terms of things that I have done... I have no regrets. There is a virtual laundry list of things that I've done that I shouldn't have; however, I don't regret the past. It's what makes me exactly what I am today. Remove one of those things and I'm not the same me.

There is 1 thing that has always been in the back of my mind, though. As I said, my parents have been fabulous. My father, however, is not my biological father. My mom divorced from my biological father when I was 3. He left, never paid my mother any child support or alimony, and moved on with his life. I literally have 2 memories of him. My mother remarried when I was 5 and my sister and I were adopted by Dad a few years after that. My biological father signed a paper saying that he would give up his 2 kids to let someone else be their father and never try to contact us. How? Why?

I look at my 2 kids and have no idea how someone could leave their own children. I would walk through hell if I had to to keep my kids.

I don't honestly think this has effected my overall life much. I have a father that loves me unconditionally. That's what a father is. I consider myself extremely lucky.

[WildIrish]

I have a father that loves me unconditionally. That's what a father is. I consider myself extremely lucky.

You are. And as bad as I remember it being, I was lucky too. There are those that have it worse and I know that.

[Mae]

I will be visiting some of those ideas in the near future. My daughter has pushed for her, my mother & I to get together. Just the three of us at my mother's house. My daughter and I started rebuilding our relationship a few years ago. We're fairly close, now. My mother and I have seen each other twice in 18 years. The last time was at my son's wedding and we were barely civil to each other. We will be getting together from November 9th until the 12th and staying at her house. I am trying to let go of an awful lot of, let's just call them "bad feelings". It is a tough thing to do. Especially with her. So, lengthy though this is, I understand the premise. I've been toying with the idea of just shifting into neutral and letting things pass over me when I'm there. We'll see.

[Oldfart]

Mae,

Good luck with the time with your mother.

Hope it's more healing than confrontational.

[Mae]

Thank you, OF. :)

[maddy]

Gosh, this is something I struggle with often. I had a very wise friend that crossed my path briefly in college. I shared a lot of my family baggage with her and she shared with me the idea (which most of you already know) that our past, good - bad - right - wrong or otherwise, helps shape us into the person we are today. It was a HUGE revelation for me at the time, and allowed me to look upon many moments I had viewed very negatively and found the positives of my person at that point in time. I still strongly believe it has made me the driven, successful, and independent person I am. Only recently I have realized that while those are wonderful strengths they have also caused me to miss out on some other things in life. Now I toy with determining how to accept some of the other baggage I've created in my recent past and where to carry myself forward.

Obviously you are all very bright people, and none of this is earth shattering to you... but it's nice knowing none of us are alone as we each take a personal quest to make peace with the past, and treasure today and tomorrow for what they are.

[osuche]

Knowing and doing are often two seperate things. I've sometimes wondered if I'd have turned out a much better person without going through some of the emotional struggles of my life. ;)

But all-in-all, maddy ~ you're right. And I wish you the best of luck on your journey towards peace and happiness.

[Oldfart]

Osuche

It's sheer bloody-minded survival.

If you don't come to terms with the shit in your past AND present,

the baggage will drag you down.

Past shit is today's fertilizer, grow from it. (Sorry sounded too profound to ignore).

[osuche]

Osuche

It's sheer bloody-minded survival.

If you don't come to terms with the shit in your past AND present,

the baggage will drag you down.

Past shit is today's fertilizer, grow from it. (Sorry sounded too profound to ignore).

You know, I think you're right. :) Loving someone else requires that I love *me* first.....which necessitates dealing with my past.

Ahhhh.... the perspective old age gives you. :p ;)

[Oldfart]

Yes, I met an old person who lent me her perspective LOL