Texas Women and some funnies

[txgrneyes]

Texas Women


Texas women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable, Texas twang.

Texas women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"No, thank-you"

Texas women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart.."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
"Love your hair."

Texas women know their summer weather report:
Hot
Hotter
Hotter than Hades

Texas women know their three R's:
$$$$$$$ Rich
$$$$$$$$$ Richer
$$$$$$$$$$$ Richest

Texas women know their vacation spots:
Colorado
Las Vegas
any place that has a/c

Texas women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Skinney Dippin
Hard workin men

Texas women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Sugah

Texas women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Something to talk about
Hope Floats
Steel Magnolias

Texas women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Texas women know their country breakfasts:
Fried eggs
Country ham
Mouthwatering homemade biscuits

Texas women know their P's & Q's
"P"ecan pie (pronounced "puh con" not pee-can)
"P"ralines
"P"unch to "Quench" the thirst

Texas women know their cities dripping with Texas
charm:
Dallas
Austin
San Antone (That's San Antonio for out-of-staters)

Texas women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos.
Men in Wranglers.

Texas girls ! know the ir prime real estate:
The Ranch
The Beauty Salon
A Country Club (that is the dance halls)

Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad Dancers

If you're a male, you hug that Texas woman of yours and say
"I'm a lucky man"
3 times out loud. If you're a transplant, FAKE it....we know you
got here as fast as you could. After all you had to figure out the meanings of

over yonder
just down a bit
and at the fork in the road...

[txgrneyes]

Smart woman...don't get mad........... GET EVEN!

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger
woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain
there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he
would
buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be
given 3
days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal
belongings
into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the
movers
come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the
last time at
their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had
finished,
she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp
shells into
the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and
left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the
first
few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could
not
explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned &
mopped
and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets
were
steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought
in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving
company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking
everything to their
new home. Including the (curtain rods).

[txgrneyes]

We southern folks know this is true!

1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:"Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb,or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do"queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends you,could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.

21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little>> old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way......


A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors:

"Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did."

[LixyChick]

LOL txgneyes!

Just a side note..........

*flashing her pearly whites....and in her bestest dutchy accent.....while chatting over the clothes line*

"Well sweety, I sure do hope your Opa is feeling better! What with this heat wave.......it's hotter than hell round here and I just know that a/c you bought him will better.......cool him off! Have you noticed the farmer's tan on Lester? Oh honey, he's sure looking good these days! Nope......ain't seen no good movies lately! I've been floating hope that the fields come in fore all this rain we've been havin. Ah yes.........those football player's are in training now and the pastor said he'd bet the Eagles are gonna do a heck of a job this year! I'd bet if we'd bulk um up on biscuits and sausage gravy.....they'd kick ass! I was thinking bout baking up some of my famous, "pee-khan" pie for the county fair. I've had some "transplanted texans" tell me it reminds them of good ole San Antone! Speaking of Lester Yoder.........did you see him in those jeans lately? I love the worn spot on his cheeks! I've heard he's been doin some "shit kickin" down to the firehall (country club) and he's been lookin pretty good out there! So I was gonna go, just down a bit.......ya know.....over to the hall........near that "y" next to the bank.....and kick up some dust with good ole Lester! Go with?"

*giggle*.....Sorry....had to do that txgneyes! I totally understand what you're saying!

[dicksbro]

Damn! You girls are good!

LOL txgrneyes and Lixy!

[dm383]

Ya got me beat with most of those, txgrneyes, but I did know one or two!!! (Not tellin' you which ones though!)

You got any for True Southern Gents?? ( Have to say to, I think they have a LOT in common with True Scottish Lassies!!)

DM

[Vicious Tease]

*smiles softly*

[ryker]

I know where i'm headed next.....love em txgrneyes

[quisath]

;)

[IAKaraokeGirl]

txgrneyes, I was reminded last night that, even though I've been gone for seven years, I still have my accent hidden away and apparently pull it out when I sing. :D Those were wonderful...and I had just asked tonight my visiting 18-month old niece to give me some sugar. LMAO. ;)

[txgrneyes]

RULES FOR ENTERING TEXAS

1. Remember that Texas is home to real people; where love for God
and love for country are equally taught.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup
truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get
dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go
east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have
quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL
shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear
at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of
age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Pace Picante
Sauce.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks,
and a heap more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards - it spooks
the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education plus
a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they
come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any
other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get your butt
whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:
"Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't
make it without Texas."

[dicksbro]

One of the nicest things I found in Texas is that on two-lane roads, folks will pull to the shoulder to let people pass when on-coming traffic would otherwise prevent it.

Y'all good people! Hats off to ya'. ;)

[LixyChick]

I love this stuff txgreeeyes! I must visit Texas someday! And, I know I'll be welcomed and surely fit right in......because most of what is practiced and expected is exactly how it is up here at what I now call home....N.E. Pa.

Example: the farming equiptment.....albeit ours isn't used for cotton......some of these combines can cost a pretty penny! Our colleges are pretty good.....Penn State, Beaver College (*giggle*....I think they changed the name recently.....to something like....Penis College.....jk....jk.....but they did change the name because of the insinuation associated with it!)...etc. Wish more of these folks would utilize them though....some being mennonite and home schooled and all....lol! We (not necessarily me, but) eat catfish and crawdads (crayfish), but I do happen to like sushi (real sushi and it has to be fresh and plenty of wassabe on the side!), but I've always said I would never eat anything I've used for bait! LMAO! Nearly everyone round here has a pick-up too....and we are a bunch of wavers! To dicksbro......we have two lane roads with lots of blind curves that narrow as you ride them....and the bridges crossing the streams "on them say" *a little Pa. Dutch there* (on both sides) "yeild to oncoming traffic", and it's all we can do to get that guy on the other side to take the bridge first, if we meet up at the same time! LMAO! When they finally do cross because we've "blinked" um on.....a tip of the hat and a wave is all the thanks necessary!

I'm not trying to ingratiate myself to you tx......I'm just letting you know I surely can relate to proper hospitality and manners....specially when I live it everyday!

BTW........I love the curtain rod thing......and I know a couple of (divorcing) friends who might appreciate the insight! Much obliged! *waves*

[LdyBGemini]

Texas (transplant) gal here!

[LdyBGemini]

> Texas Vocabulary
>
> 1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
> Self-explanatory.
>
> 2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
> Not very generous.
>
> 3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
> All talk and no action.
>
> 4. WE'VE HOWLED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
> We've made a brief acquaintance, but not
> been formally introduced.
>
> 5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR
> HIM CROW.
> He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
>
> 6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE
> DOGS.
> We really could use a little rain around here.
>
> 7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DON'T
> MEAN IT CAN FLY.
> Appearances can be deceptive.
>
> 8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
> I've been around awhile.
>
> 9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM
> UNDER THE PORCH.
> Not the most handsome of men.
>
> 10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE.
> Living in sin.
>
> 11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN
> WITH THE ANTELOPE.
> Stop arguing and do as you're told.
>
> 12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATING HORSE.
> Rather prone to boasting.
>
> 13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT
> THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
> You can say whatever you want about something, but doesn't
> change what it is.
>
> 14. THAT DOG DON'T HUNT IN THESE WOODS.
> That story you told, sounds like a lie to me.
>
> 15. WE'RE IN HIGH COTTON.
> Things are going well.

[dicksbro]

Those are great, LdyBGemini. And, welcome to Pixies. Glad to have you with us.

[Oldfart]

The scary part is that I understand some of it.

[jseal]

Ladies,

You make it easy to believe that Texas is a different country.

[paprclphd]

<------ Texas Born and Bred! Proud of it!

Hats off to all the texas ladies and gents on pixies, we seem to be well represented here.

Jseal~~~ Texas IS a different country!

[LdyBGemini]

Is this one ot those Texas TALL Tales? <wink>

A young women was impressed by the massive
Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask
about the measurements of your chest. I am
amazed."

"Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches."

"Wow, around?"

"No, ma'am. Through."

"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?"

"It's 28 inches."

"Around?"

"No, ma'am. Through."

"Well, then. One last question. What about
the size of your private, ahh, you know."

"You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!"

"Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!"

"Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!!!"

[Lunchbox]

Great thread - love to learn about the places people come from.

[txsweet]

Bingo!

[dicksbro]

LOL LdyBGemini. That's cute.

[LdyBGemini]

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet
propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever
seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say
about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't
you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the
night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some
boots that fit."

[LdyBGemini]

:-)